Before the Phone… It Starts at Home
I recently saw the disturbing footage from the incident reported at a Sydney school.
As a father, it cut deep.
Out of respect for the young person involved, and because of how distressing the footage is, I chose not to share the clip itself.
But after spending time with young people in schools week in and week out, one thing has become very clear.
Behaviour like this rarely begins with violence.
It begins earlier.
Much earlier.
With insecurity.
Pressure to fit in.
The fear of being judged or left out.
The desire for attention or acceptance.
These are the internal pressures I often see in schools – what I call the monkeys on their back – shaping their choices long before moments like this unfold.
And then I thought about something even more confronting.
Not just what happened.
But what happened around it.
Students standing there.
Phones out.
Recording.
Not helping.
Not interrupting.
Not getting support.
Just… watching.
Just… capturing.
Not because they are bad kids.
But because in that moment, something else felt more important.
And that’s the part we need to understand.
Around the same time in March 2026, a landmark legal case made headlines, where major tech platforms like Meta and Google were found liable for scam advertisements that appeared on their platforms.
Despite being alerted to the issue, the ads remained active, leading the court to rule that these companies are not just passive platforms but have a responsibility to act when harm is being caused.
Finally, accountability.
Finally, responsibility.
But let’s be honest.
That changes what gets taken down.
It doesn’t automatically change what gets acted out.
Because while systems are being fixed from the outside…
Behaviour is still being shaped from the inside.
I had a conversation with a school recently about new social media restrictions.
Instead, I heard this:
“It hasn’t made a difference. Students don’t care. They’ve found ways around it.”
No frustration.
No surprise.
Just reality.
Because when behaviour doesn’t change…
The platform becomes irrelevant.
We are trying to fix external problems…
While the root influence still sits at home.
Because before a child ever picks up a phone…they’ve already picked up a mindset.
A mindset about:
- What gets attention
- What earns approval
- What is funny
- What is acceptable
And here’s the uncomfortable question.
Where did that come from?
Not from a school assembly.
Not from a policy.
Not from an app.
But from what’s been seen… heard… and normalised over time.
(James Baldwin)
So if this is where it’s shaped, what does that actually look like at home?
1) Set the Standard Before It’s Tested
Pressure doesn’t create behaviour.
It exposes it.
When everything is calm, it’s easy to say, “I’d do the right thing.”
But in a real moment?
When there’s a crowd…
When there’s noise…
When there’s a camera rolling…
Young people don’t pause and reflect.
They react.
I remember a student once saying to me after a session,
“I knew it was wrong… but I didn’t want to look like the odd one out.”
That’s the moment.
And in that moment, they default to what’s familiar.
So the real question is:
What are they practising at home, long before that moment arrives?
2) Have the Conversation Early
We often react after something happens.
But influence happens before.
In quiet moments.
In everyday conversations.
Not lectures.
Not warnings.
Conversations.
Try this:
“What do you think goes through someone’s mind when they choose to film instead of help?”
Then pause.
Let them think.
Let them wrestle with it.
Because the goal is not to control behaviour.
It’s to develop thinking.
Because when the moment comes…
They won’t have time to think deeply.
They will act based on what they’ve already thought through.
“We cannot always build a future for our youth, but we can always build our youth for the future.”
(Franklin D Roosevelt)
3) Show Them The Game
Most young people are not aware of the environment they are operating in.
They just feel it.
The pull.
The pressure.
The reward.
But they don’t understand it.
Research from organisations like eSafety Commissioner continues to show that young people are exposed to harmful or distressing content online far more frequently than parents realise.
And when exposure becomes normal…
Behaviour starts to follow.
I often ask students:
“Why do you think negative or extreme videos spread faster than positive ones?”
Silence.
Then slowly… it clicks.
Attention.
Shock.
Reaction.
That’s the currency.
So if a young person believes:
“Filming this will get attention…”
Then in that moment, it becomes tempting.
Because as the saying goes:
“What gets rewarded gets repeated.”
That’s why awareness matters.
Because once they see it…
They can start to question it.
“We shape our tools and thereafter our tools shape us.”
(Marshall McLuhan)
4) Build Identity, Not Approval
If a young person doesn’t know who they are…
They will look to others to tell them.
And that’s where things get risky.
Because crowds don’t reward character.
They reward conformity.
I once spoke to a student who said:
“I act differently depending on who I’m with.”
Honest.
Real.
And common.
So the role of home becomes critical.
Not to control identity.
But to anchor it.
Reinforce:
- “You don’t need to change who you are to be accepted.”
- “Not everyone has to like you.”
- “Doing the right thing won’t always be popular.”
Because when identity is stable…
External pressure loses its power.
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner”
(Lao Tzu)
5) Define What Courage Looks Like
We tell young people to “stand up”.
But what does that actually mean?
In real terms?
In real situations?
Because if courage is vague…
It won’t be used.
Break it down:
Courage can be:
- Walking away
- Getting help
- Checking in afterwards
- Refusing to engage
Simple.
Clear.
Doable.
In the work I do with schools around bullying and student wellbeing, one thing comes up again and again.
Young people often know what’s right.
But they hesitate.
Not because they don’t care.
But because they’re unsure.
And afraid.
And in those moments, hesitation takes over.
So we need to replace uncertainty and fear with clarity and empowerment.
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
(Martin Luther King Jnr)
We can keep pushing for change at a system level.
And we should.
But we can’t ignore what’s happening at a personal level.
Because behaviour is not created in the moment.
It’s revealed in the moment.
And what gets revealed…
Has been built over time.
In conversations.
In observations.
In what’s allowed.
In what’s ignored.
So before we ask:
“What are schools doing?”
“What are platforms doing?”
Pause.
And ask something deeper.
“What are we modelling when no one is watching?”
Because that’s where influence lives.
That’s where behaviour begins.
And that’s where everything starts.
