Dan’s Insights & Tips

At the end of one of my school sessions, a Year 9 student quietly approached me.

She asked: 

“What if you have all five monkeys on your back?”

It was such an honest question – no performance, no filter, just raw truth.

I told her: “That can happen. They’re connected. But when you feel overwhelmed, the best thing you can do is choose one to start with – and work from there.”

She thought for a moment. “Emotional Enzo. That’s the one I need to start with.”

A teacher nearby added, “She’s an incredible singer – she could perform in front of the whole school – but often holds back.”

The student nodded, then said, “It’s not just singing. I feel pressure… especially with academics. I push myself to get straight A’s. And when I don’t, I feel like I’ve failed.”

In that moment, it clicked. She wasn’t just afraid of failing. She was letting her results define her worth.

I said to her, “You can’t always control the outcome. But you can always control your input – the effort, the preparation, the heart you bring. When you tie your worth to results, you give power to something outside of you. But when you focus on the process, you take your power back.”

She took a breath. You could see it – that quiet relief, that shift.

Because sometimes, the heaviest pressure isn’t from school, peers, or society. It’s the pressure teens quietly place on themselves.

As parents, it’s natural to think pressure comes from outside – exams, peers, or even our expectations. But often, young people are their own harshest critics.

This self-imposed perfectionism can fuel anxiety, burnout, and disengagement. Beyond Blue reports that a significant number of young Australians experience mental health challenges, and research shows that perfectionism is a common underlying risk factor – especially when teens tie their self-worth to flawless performance. When teens believe anything less than perfect equals failure, their resilience and wellbeing take the hit.

The good news? With your guidance, they can shift from outcome-focus to input-focus – building self-worth that isn’t dependent on marks or medals, but on growth and effort.

As psychologist Carol Dweck reminds us, “Becoming is better than being.” Helping teens focus on growth over grades can transform how they see themselves.

Here are 5 practical ways you can support your child:

1) Shift the Conversation From Results to Effort

Swap “What grade did you get?” with “What did you learn from this?” or “What effort are you most proud of?”.

• Example: After a test, highlight their preparation or persistence, not just the final mark.
• This reinforces growth, not pressure.

“The results you achieve will be in direct proportion to the effort you apply.”

(Denis Waitley)

2) Model Healthy Self-Talk

Your teen listens closely to how you talk about yourself. If they see you being overly self-critical, they’ll copy it.

• Instead, show them how you reframe setbacks: “I didn’t get it right this time, but here’s what I’ll try differently.”
• This normalises mistakes as part of growth.

“Talk to yourself like someone you love”

(Brene Brown)

3) Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection

Perfection is a moving target. Progress is empowering.

• Celebrate the small wins – finishing an assignment early, practising consistently, or speaking up in class.
• Each small step builds confidence in the process, not fear of the outcome.

“Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.”

(Julia Cameron)

4) Encourage Creative Outlets Without Judgment

The student in the story held back from singing. Many teens do the same with sport, art, or public speaking.

• Create safe spaces where trying matters more than getting it perfect.
• Example: Family jam nights, cooking together, or weekend activities where courage counts more than comparison.

“Creativity takes courage”

(Henri Matisse)

5) Teach the “One Monkey at a Time” Principle

When teens feel overwhelmed, encourage them to focus on one challenge first.

• Example: If they’re stressed about exams, sport, and friendships, guide them to start by building a study routine (taming Dizzy), leaving the other monkeys for later.
• Small, consistent wins break down big pressure.

Self-imposed pressure is one of the heaviest monkeys a teen can carry. But with your support, they can learn to let go.

Your role is to remind them: their worth isn’t tied to grades, performances, or outcomes – but to the courage, effort, and heart they bring.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Help your teen take back their power. Encourage them to lead their life from the inside out.

“You can’t always control the outcome. But you can always control your input.”

And when they learn this truth, they don’t just ease the pressure – they begin to thrive.

Alongside the school programs I deliver, I also mentor a small number of teens one-to-one through my Ultimate Teen Transformation program – helping them become unstuck and thrive in school and in life.